you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone.

starting today.



 

final goodbyes

tomorrow, i´ll be off to prague, so i´ll be gone from xanga for a week. and i´m not sure if im coming back to you sweethearts.

i feel terrible. i binged like mad. and i´ve put on weight. 142lbs right now. what a disaster. my blatter hurts. my head hurts, my big fat belly hurts, my soul hurts.

i just want to disappear for a long time. im sick of being depressed all time. im sick of failing. im sick of losing weight and gaining it back on my fat gastly body. im sick of the fights me and my bf have because of my binging/not eating/binging-cycles. i want it to be done. i want to be done with it. i wish i could throw up till im bleeding to death right now.

i dont know for how long i'll be gone. i hope you will be doing better than i am. i love you for supporting me. thanks.

xoxokeepstrong.

me:

you:

behind every beautiful thing, there is some kind of pain

i´ve spent friday and today at my parents house, and it was hell. my mother found out about nearly everything. the fasting, the counting, the laxing, the purging. she knows. idk what happened, but all of the sudden, i forgot how to lie to my mother. i wanted to say that i was just fine, and that i was eating properly. but she just totally lost her mind. she was so angry with me! and at the same time, she was in so much pain because of what i´ve put myself through. she said she doesn´t want me to loose one more pound, and that if i do, that i must move back in with her and dad again. i told her that i was gonna stop. just because i don´t want my mother to worry about me, and because she already has so much on her mind. she suffers from serveral muscular and bone diseases, so an anorexic daughter is the last thing she can use. but now, i´m not sure if i want to stop anymore.

i want to go on with what i´m doing right now. i want to win this battle. if only it were because i´ve never accomplished one single thing in my life without somebody helping me. at the same time, i don´t want to hurt my parents. i mean, i love them to pieces, and i´d do anything for them, but not this. i´ve been bullied for years because i was the fatty, and that hurts. it still does. i don´t want to be the fatty anymore. i don´t want to provoce anyone to make such a statement to me again. it must be dealt with, for once and for all. and this is my way to bury the past. pound by pound, and inch by inch.

day 10: away for two days

hey pretty dolls!

i'll be at my parents' for two days, so i cant post or reply to your lovely replies. i will as soon as i get home!
hopefully i wont gain, lol.

keepstrong sweeties!

day 9; please dont wake me up

zomfg, maaajor problem. i dyed my hair pink last week, but now it looks totally ugly. babypinkish, magenta, and blonde in 1. people come to me and ask why the heck im wearing a wig. i've tried washing it with regular shampoo for 7 times, anti-dandruff 4, and it wasn't even permanent hairdye. does anybody have a clue how i can have my blonde hair back?! please help me! :C

good news for today as well. im finally under the 136lbs! im 135,6lbs right now. im so proud of myself. even my bf was proud of me. yayness, even though dieting isnt always the nicest thing there is, it's at least paying off.

plans for today:
~ wash hair a few times more
~ visit NeverEndingStrive, go there by foot.[went there by bike]
~ go to hardware store for TomTom
~ fix bank-account
~ go to the gym (tonight) too hot, will go tomorrow

planned intake:
~ B: 1 cracker: 30
~ L: 1 apple: 60
       .5 glass of juice: 10
~ D: 50grs of cherry tomatoes: 5
        green beans: 19
        100grslettuce; 8
~ water: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
~ pills: vitamin
total: 132kcal

today will be great, i can feel it :]
pictures:

xoxokeepstrongstarveon